Talking With Children
How to Talk to Your Kids About Breast Cancer
The easiest way to have that hard conversation.
Discussing breast cancer with your child can be tough — but it's a conversation that's too important to skip. "The way your son or daughter copes with the idea of cancer is very much dependent on your attitude and the way you discuss it with him or her." If you or another close friend or family member has been diagnosed with breast cancer, here are seven tips to help you communicate effectively with your kids.
Tell the truth. Children can spot a lie a mile away, so they're likely to be suspicious even if you do stay mum. Plus, when your youngster eventually finds out the truth, she's likely to become angry that you weren't honest from the beginning. "It's a natural inclination to want to protect your kids, but shielding them from reality doesn't actually keep them safe." "Being up front about what you're going through helps them feel like they're an important part of your family and your recovery, and it prevents them from feeling like they have no control over the situation."
Use the word cancer. Simply telling your child that you're sick could mean anything — and left guessing, most kids assume the worst. "Don't leave it up to their imagination." "Instead, tell them, 'I need you to know I have a health problem, and it's called cancer. You may have heard some bad things about cancer, but the doctors have told me that they're going to do all they can to help me fight it so I can get better.'" Be sure to explain to them that your cancer is in your breast, rather than letting them assume it's attacking your entire body. "Breast cancer is an important part of their family health history that they should know about."
Stress that it's no one's fault. "Children engage in magical thinking, and often assume that something they did caused you to get this disease. It is so important to tell them that it's not their fault, and it's not your fault, either; sometimes people become sick for no good reason."
Prepare them for what's to come. If you're undergoing surgery, chemotherapy or other treatment, let your kids know that you may experience psychological and physical changes. "Say, 'I may be tired and cranky, but I want you to know that it won't be because of you.' Or, 'The doctors tell me my hair may fall out, and it might look a little funny to you, but it will grow back.'" The more prepared your kids are, the better they'll be able to handle new and challenging situations.
Assure them they'll be cared for. "When a parent is sick, most children — regardless of their age — immediately want to know: Who is going to take care of me? Abandonment is a huge fear." That's why you should lay out exactly who (grandmother, aunt, father, etc.) will be helping to watch them, take them to school, feed them, etc. This is particularly important if you'll be undergoing treatment away from home.
Encourage your child to come to you with questions. "You don't want her asking kids on the playground because she doesn't know if she can approach you." "Tell her, 'You can ask me anything, and I'll do my best to tell you what I know.' You want to open the door for communication.'"
Don't go it alone. It can be helpful for your kids to interact with others their age who have a parent with cancer, and to work with trained professionals to help them sort through their feelings. Ask your cancer center or local community about group programs for children with a sick parent, and check out "The Hope Tree: Kids Talk About Breast Cancer," a book written for younger readers whose mothers are dealing with the disease. For more communication tips for you, check out Neil Russell's "Can I Still Kiss You? Answering Your Children's Questions About Cancer."